3 Keys to My Life

I became aware at the age of 14 that it is possible to literally break a man's spirit. What began in Vietnam for my father at the age of 20, was concluded many years later in prison. He has been free of the Hermantown Federal Prison Camp for 15 years, but neither that experience nor his years in the jungles of southeast Asia will ever leave his consciousness. Although life has continued, the tortured, exasperated expressions of pain he wears like a mask, hang heavy in every room he inhabits. It is ever present, yet never discussed. It is a personal horror that is entirely his own. In that, so much of who he is remains a complete mystery to those closest to him. I often wonder if it is a mystery to him as well.

I love my father, and I am proud of him. We look alike, we sound alike, and act alike. If I had to walk through hell, there is no one else I would want by my side. He is the toughest man I have ever known. I know that he once had dreams, much the same as I do. As this past spring warmed into summer, my father turned 60, and I noticed a change in him. It is the slow realization that many of the dreams of his past have become unreachable, and that more of his life is behind him, than in front of him. To be fair, much of the responsibility lies with him, but to see a man, someone I have idolized for years, so utterly disappointed by life is heartbreaking.

As I look back, 10 years have passed since I graduated from college. I have worked very hard to become a productive member of society. I have also worked equally hard on a reputation for partying. I have had many successes and failures. I own a home, and have been steadily employed the entire time, but I also have 3 drunk driving convictions which will follow me for the rest of my life. Several factors have conspired over the last year, causing me to take a fresh look at where I am now, and how I got here. Call it a crisis of identity, a nervous breakdown, or a reassessment, but the result is a realization that fear has prevented me from living life on my own terms.

So where does that leave me? In a surprisingly good position actually. Something as shockingly simple, as it is profound has occurred to me. The key to the past, and the doorway to the future lies with choice, truth, and responsibility.